The Keys to Better Communication

“Hello!”

“How are you? That’s great! I’ve been amazing! These are all the things I’ve been up to!”

“What about you? Oh fun! Now more about me!”

This seems to be the common trajectory of a conversation. We say, hi then ask the standard, “how are you?” question and while the person is answering, we are not fully listening. Instead we are waiting for our opportunity to share about our own life. We either wait for the person to end their update OR we cut them off. EEK! That’s embarrassing!

Don’t worry, you are not alone in this communication problem and the great thing is, you can become a better communicator. I have been TERRIBLE at communicating in the past and have spent the last several years working on being a better communicator. You don’t need any special strengths, you just need some knowledge and tools to help you talk less and listen more.

To start, I’m going to hold up a mirror, this is a moment to grow your self-awareness and emotional intelligence (check out my blog post on emotional intelligence for more). It’s also a moment where I am going to be KIND not nice…

Communication is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about the person you are communicating with or to.

A common misconception about communication is that it’s about you being able to tell people how great YOU are, or what YOU think they should do, or how YOU think they should behave, or whatever other thing YOU want others to hear. Communication isn’t one sided. It’s two people seeking to increase connection and understanding through shared dialogue. And in order to achieve that, you have to change your perception of what communication is.

Something interesting I have learned as I’ve worked to be a better communicator is what ACTUALLY makes up communication. A study conducted in the late 1960s by Dr. Albert Mehrabian found that communication has more to it than just the words we say. He actually noted that anywhere from 50-60% of our communication occurs through non-verbal cues like body language and facial expressions, 35-40% through tonality, the way in which we say the words, and 5-10% is the actual words we say.

Now, this is all dependent on the context and medium in which the communication is occurring. But it does shine some light on why communication can feel so difficult. We are often focusing on the smallest percentage of what really makes communication happen. This is made even worse when we over emphasize the self in a conversation.

Failing to understand and appreciate the larger elements of communication often leads us astray. This is where high emotional intelligence comes into play when working to be a better communicator. Strong, clear communication is an active practice of self-awareness, self-regulation, and social awareness. Heavy emphasis on AWARENESS.

People communicate in a variety of styles, for a number of reasons, and through different modes or mediums. Some people communicate in more numbers, data, and analytics; while others prefer emotions and feelings. Some people prefer face to face while others love to text.

One problem I have seen grow in the world is the increase in using written communication where verbal is vital. My theory as to why we love written communication over verbal is because it creates a protective barrier that keeps a person safe from potential conflict or experiencing the emotions of another person. That’s where most people fail in the 4th element of emotional intelligence, Social Skills. They don’t have the tools or experience to manage an in-person conversation where emotions might come up.

All hope is not lost though. With the right support, tools and some emotional intelligence, a leader can become a great communicator leading to high performing teams and a boost to overall productivity and performance.

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash‍ ‍

1. Practice Self-Awareness

The first step to becoming a better communicator is to practice Self-Awareness by paying attention to how you are listening (or not listening) to the other person in a conversation. Do you notice yourself preparing your response while they’re still talking? Or are you fully engaging in being present in their words.

Photo by Anastasiya Badun on Unsplash‍ ‍

2. Listen to understand

When you are aware of how you are showing up in your conversations, you can begin doing the work to make communication less about you and more about the other person or people. This leads you to the next steps which require you to tap into the 3rd element of emotional intelligence, Social Awareness.

During your next conversation, listen to the tone and non-verbals to better understand what is actually being said. Where are they placing more emphasis in a sentence? Does the tone match the words? What is their body language communicating that the words aren’t? When you slow down and listen to understand you are building your emotional intelligence which helps you build better relationships, establish trust and report with clients and save time often lost to poor communication.

3. Get curious & ask more questions

Our elders understood the importance of zipping our lips and listening with presence. When you intentionally listen to understand you also open space to allow for deeper conversation and connection, and isn’t that what communication is all about? The first 2 tips lead you to the practice of asking good questions to help you better understand the other person’s perspective or point of view. Get curious about the other person because, again, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!

“Hi! It’s great to see you! Tell me what’s an update from your world?”

“That’s challenging, change is always hard. What have you been learning about yourself through this change?”

“Interesting! Tell me more about that.”

Becoming a better communicator really starts with growing your emotional intelligence. Acknowledge how you are currently showing up in conversations. Pay attention to the non-verbals and tonality of others. And ask more questions. And give yourself grace as you work to improve. No one is ever a perfect communicator, not even the experts in the field. What matters is that you are trying.

It doesn’t need to be difficult. A few basic changes can move your conversations from surface-level to deeper connection. And turn you from a good leader to a great one.